It was a weekend where no plans were made. No sports, no movies, no chilling plans were decided in advance. Has been a while since i've let a weekend pass without any solid planning in place.
And I've spent most of it trying not to think about V. Trying is the operative word over here, cos I was simply unable to do much blocking out. Images of her were like an ink stain in my thoughts, ever spreading and the more i tried to stop it, the more it permeated throughout last week's memories.
Why I asked her out for drinks on Thursday I do not know. Especially since i said to myself on Wednesday (with such conviction) that she was bad for me. Bad not because of her own actions, but the effect that she has on me and I decided that I should avoid her altogether. Alas, the decision lasted no more than 24 hours as she stayed back late the very next day and so did i. When she said she needed saving from her endless work, i stepped in, the willing hero.
Was glad that Fish joined us not long after cos the wine was wearing away at my defences and it felt good making eye contact with V in such close proximity - the flirting felt so natural, ping-ponging from one end of the table to the other.
With Fish around it took the focus off V and I stopped trying to pull my defences back up - I knew nothing would happen when someone else was around.
Fish took the first cab. V stopped the second one and blew a kiss in my direction before she got in.
Funny how simple, innocent gestures like that can have such serious ramifications. That airkiss, the opening scene for the long weekend. V was in every dream, in every kiss, in every embrace - the main star of the weekend play. Her neck, her cheek, her lips - the supporting cast.
And of course, i was the only fool in the audience.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
el diagrama espesa naturalmente
Betty staggers when she realised that her love is returned but with strings attached... What kind of man demands perfection when he himself is far from it? A man with perhaps the biggest flaw of all but one who she loves with all her heart. What did she do wrong? She only needs her man to stand by her and love her the same way she does every single day of her otherwise troubling life..
Veronica on the other hand, entertains his advances but pushes him away. Unsure, unwilling, then willing but yet still unsure. Her usual confidence in herself shaken, she is fighting herself more than she is fighting him.
He stands alone in this. Torn. Carving a smile on his face when faced with society, confronted with reality. He has never felt like this before and he hates every waking moment, every moment of pure agonising confusion. Yet he dreams of V, unpredictable lucid snapshots in his sleep that scratch the back his subconscious when he wakes, fingernails on the blackboard of his mind.
A cauldron of emotions, blinded willful denials, politickal scavengers and the end of things as they know it.
Veronica on the other hand, entertains his advances but pushes him away. Unsure, unwilling, then willing but yet still unsure. Her usual confidence in herself shaken, she is fighting herself more than she is fighting him.
He stands alone in this. Torn. Carving a smile on his face when faced with society, confronted with reality. He has never felt like this before and he hates every waking moment, every moment of pure agonising confusion. Yet he dreams of V, unpredictable lucid snapshots in his sleep that scratch the back his subconscious when he wakes, fingernails on the blackboard of his mind.
A cauldron of emotions, blinded willful denials, politickal scavengers and the end of things as they know it.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Encrucijada
jusr cos u know what you need to do, doesnt mean yyou can actually do it or choose to do it for that matter.
This story is about betty, veronica.
Betty's all heart. I love her and she loves me even more. problem is she doesn;t challenge my point of view. most puericans would kill for a woman lke that, soeone who's by ur side 24-7 thru sickness and health, even though we're not married. someone docile, listens to you with all the patience in the world. But i am a man who thrives on conflict & who prefers to be challenged at every decision making opportunity and Betty lets me make all the decisions putting so much trust in me that i will only have myself to blame in case sth goes wrong. dont get me wrong there's nothing wrongwith this but i'm just nt sure if i can marry her. i dont strive to be a better man because of her cos she accepts all my flaws, each and every single dirty nasty one that i have.. the oly motivation i get in life is through myself: i push myself, to be someone better but this doesnt happen all the time... Betty is a sure head turner and i feel lucky to have someone that beautful to love and care for me so much. Our conversations only cover (sometimes superficial - the topics not betty- she is a real person not an empty shell) everyday things and I don’t get to delve into stuff like politics and economics with her cos she has no interest in such matters.
The other woman, Veronica, works with me.. she's smart and has a v strong opinion on pretty much evryhing, although her sense of humour is pretty much like mine - lame. i know i shouldnt have but i have somewhat fallen head over heels for V. i crave for her lips the same way Betty craves for mine.. I share deeper conversations with her during our unch breaks than i ever do from years of being with Betty (this is unfair I know but it is blunt honesty). But V, not surprisingly, with her smouldering good looks is a heart breaker, she has never had a serious r/s that has lasted for more than a few mths at a stretch; moving on as soon as she gets bored of the unlucky guy.
Like i said I have doubts on a lifetime of commitment to betty, on the other hand I d ont know if V sees me as anything more than a luch partner. Of course I may end up with neither so I’m fully expecting that outcome as well. Should I choose alife of so-called domestic bliss with no significant intellectual input from my other half or just move on and find someone similar to V? When you love someone it has to be unconditional and Betty definitely has that for me. I love her too but it is in no way unconditional, so would that be sufficient for us to be happy together? Maybe she will but I really don’t know what I’d feel. Somehow our relationship has pushed me from idealism to realism. A complete paradigm shift in the space of a few yrs.
I can’t bear to break Betty’s heart, just because I doubt our r/s every now and then doesn’t mean I care for this lovely woman any less.
I have this strong feeling that I am at the crossroads of my life and my decisions now will determine where I end up years down the road.
Problem is.. where do I really want to be then?
This is going to be one long weekend.
This story is about betty, veronica.
Betty's all heart. I love her and she loves me even more. problem is she doesn;t challenge my point of view. most puericans would kill for a woman lke that, soeone who's by ur side 24-7 thru sickness and health, even though we're not married. someone docile, listens to you with all the patience in the world. But i am a man who thrives on conflict & who prefers to be challenged at every decision making opportunity and Betty lets me make all the decisions putting so much trust in me that i will only have myself to blame in case sth goes wrong. dont get me wrong there's nothing wrongwith this but i'm just nt sure if i can marry her. i dont strive to be a better man because of her cos she accepts all my flaws, each and every single dirty nasty one that i have.. the oly motivation i get in life is through myself: i push myself, to be someone better but this doesnt happen all the time... Betty is a sure head turner and i feel lucky to have someone that beautful to love and care for me so much. Our conversations only cover (sometimes superficial - the topics not betty- she is a real person not an empty shell) everyday things and I don’t get to delve into stuff like politics and economics with her cos she has no interest in such matters.
The other woman, Veronica, works with me.. she's smart and has a v strong opinion on pretty much evryhing, although her sense of humour is pretty much like mine - lame. i know i shouldnt have but i have somewhat fallen head over heels for V. i crave for her lips the same way Betty craves for mine.. I share deeper conversations with her during our unch breaks than i ever do from years of being with Betty (this is unfair I know but it is blunt honesty). But V, not surprisingly, with her smouldering good looks is a heart breaker, she has never had a serious r/s that has lasted for more than a few mths at a stretch; moving on as soon as she gets bored of the unlucky guy.
Like i said I have doubts on a lifetime of commitment to betty, on the other hand I d ont know if V sees me as anything more than a luch partner. Of course I may end up with neither so I’m fully expecting that outcome as well. Should I choose alife of so-called domestic bliss with no significant intellectual input from my other half or just move on and find someone similar to V? When you love someone it has to be unconditional and Betty definitely has that for me. I love her too but it is in no way unconditional, so would that be sufficient for us to be happy together? Maybe she will but I really don’t know what I’d feel. Somehow our relationship has pushed me from idealism to realism. A complete paradigm shift in the space of a few yrs.
I can’t bear to break Betty’s heart, just because I doubt our r/s every now and then doesn’t mean I care for this lovely woman any less.
I have this strong feeling that I am at the crossroads of my life and my decisions now will determine where I end up years down the road.
Problem is.. where do I really want to be then?
This is going to be one long weekend.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Magnifico Plan
of coarse it will eventually hapen the inevititable, the 1 pt where the back must be turned.
the plan is to drop everything at the drop of a pin, to leave behind everything that i think i hold dear.
Yes Frankie I will fly with you to far Bombay.
That is the plan. out of this hell hole, the job creates liabilities, too many seekers and too true few friends left. the job gets in the way of life, the system is a trap and the mice run faster round the wheel. round and round they go until they die. at least they die, the rest just continue running.
sad this:> to be the third of many a triyumvirate, where the first deux will always almost certainly choose each other and you will be left but a shoulder lent and none returned.,
you are better off being no one, where no one knows you where you drift and get to know others offer a drink to get many an interesting tail but dun ever lose yourself recreate falseness, be a new you every once in a while.
what kind of life would that be? with no one to love and no love returned, but freedom at every turn and an infinite horizon of minds to explore and backgrounds to traverse.
love is a mistake of familiarity convenience infatuation.
I am not me anymore.
the plan is to drop everything at the drop of a pin, to leave behind everything that i think i hold dear.
Yes Frankie I will fly with you to far Bombay.
That is the plan. out of this hell hole, the job creates liabilities, too many seekers and too true few friends left. the job gets in the way of life, the system is a trap and the mice run faster round the wheel. round and round they go until they die. at least they die, the rest just continue running.
sad this:> to be the third of many a triyumvirate, where the first deux will always almost certainly choose each other and you will be left but a shoulder lent and none returned.,
you are better off being no one, where no one knows you where you drift and get to know others offer a drink to get many an interesting tail but dun ever lose yourself recreate falseness, be a new you every once in a while.
what kind of life would that be? with no one to love and no love returned, but freedom at every turn and an infinite horizon of minds to explore and backgrounds to traverse.
love is a mistake of familiarity convenience infatuation.
I am not me anymore.
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